Jokes

[Sandra mre]

Why isn't there a joke section on the forum?  I know you have to keep people in line so they don't post tasteless stuff, but just think of the collection of Knock-Knock jokes you could accumulate...

[Jayne]

Thanks to you, Sandra, there now is a joke section! 
Away you go, folks... and please keep them clean!

[Sandra mre]

A man on his deathbed turns to his wife. "Before I die, I need to confess something."
She smiled at him.  "You don't need to."
He replied, "Yes I do, so I can die in peace. I had an affair with your sister and your best friend." She said, "Shh, just let the poison do its job."

(Thought I'd sneak that in before they add some mechanism to let us pelt each other with vitual tomatoes.)

[sage]

A wife and Husband have a fight on 40th wedding anniversary, he yells at her "when you die im getting you a headstone that reads here lies my wife cold as ever,"she replies "and when you die I"ll get one that reads here lies my husband stiff at last!!" .

[John R]

How many Freudians does it take to change a penis -- I mean, lightbulb?

[sage]

dunno how many?

[Sammo]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a
little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"

Eventually, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm just putting my shoes on!"

[Sandra mre]

Don't worry sage - it'll take John a while to work it out.  Something his therapist said about the trauma of using the word penis.

He'll get back to us eventually...

[John R]

He'll get back to us eventually...

Bah. The question is the joke. A comic genius is forever mocked in his own lifetime...

[Sandra mre]

Bah. The question is the joke. A comic genius is forever mocked in his own lifetime...

And a wannabe comic genius is a legend in his own mind.
(Small space that it is.)

[millhouse]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose
job it was to process all the mail that had illegible
addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky
handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to
see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small
pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100
in it, which was all the money I had until my next
pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without
that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you
please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to
all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her
wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he
made the rounds,he had collected £96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of
the day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later,another
letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers
gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for
me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a
glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day
and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. It must have been
those thieving ****ers at the Post Office.
Sincerely, Edna

[geo]

guy ran home from the pub and said to the wife "i`ve just won the £125.000,000 jackpot pot pack your suitcase.
Wife replies "whooohoo are we going somewhere warm" hubby replies "i am, you just keep packing your case"

[annie]

a little girl goes home with a sofa and two chairs her mum says where did you get those the little girl replies from the man down the road her mum says what have i told you about taking suites from strange men

[paperbackwriter]

Bloke goes into a pub with a lump of Tarmac under his arm and asks the barman for a beer.

Then, after looking under his arm, he added, "Oh, and one for the road"

[rockrebel]

They were followed into the pub by a piece of red tarmac who pushed his way to the front of the queue and demanded the barman serve him now. "wait your turn "said the barman. The piece of road under the other guys arm said to the barman. "hey mate don't argue with him he's a cycle path"