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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 220072 times)
Roger
Serial Poster
***
Posts: 536


« Reply #45 on: February 19, 2006 »

The was a crash today on the M25 motorway involving a lorry load of Vick's synex nasal spay.
It cause a bit of a hold up fow a while , but the congestion soon cleared very quickly.


Roger
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Sandra mre
Serial Poster
***
Posts: 570



WWW
« Reply #46 on: February 22, 2006 »

WARNING - SWEAR WORD CONTAINED.  AVERT EYES IF THAT OFFENDS.

Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?

Because it's fucking close to water.


(I hope I'm not in trouble for saying that word...)
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Confession is good for the soul but bad for a marriage.  That's why I never admit to anything.

http://www.sandraruttan.com/

Jayne
Global Moderator
Hero Member
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Posts: 5283



« Reply #47 on: February 22, 2006 »

Yeah, you're in VERY serious trouble, Sandra!  Smiley

Just kidding.

The boss is okay with a few "f"s and "b"s on his forum.
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Voyager
Repeat Offender
**
Posts: 199



« Reply #48 on: February 22, 2006 »

An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a
small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

"Yes," she says, I remember it well.

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and
we can do it for old time's sake.

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support,
aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their
way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man
drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the
old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like
eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear
life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is
amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still
watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got
to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You
must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You
must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Voyager
Repeat Offender
**
Posts: 199



« Reply #49 on: February 22, 2006 »

Q: What do a condom and a coffin have in common
A: Both hold stiffs.

What three two-letter words denote "small"?
"Is it in?"

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's toilet?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

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Voyager
Repeat Offender
**
Posts: 199



« Reply #50 on: February 22, 2006 »

Friendship Among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she
told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's
house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one
of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told
his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed
that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
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Sandra mre
Serial Poster
***
Posts: 570



WWW
« Reply #51 on: February 22, 2006 »

Yeah, you're in VERY serious trouble, Sandra!  Smiley

Just kidding.

The boss is okay with a few "f"s and "b"s on his forum.

He has to be, with the last name 'Billingham'!
Logged

Confession is good for the soul but bad for a marriage.  That's why I never admit to anything.

http://www.sandraruttan.com/

Voyager
Repeat Offender
**
Posts: 199



« Reply #52 on: February 24, 2006 »

How to speak like an Irishman.

Say the following out loud.


WHALE


OIL


BEEF


HOOKED
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rockrebel
Hardened Forum Fiend
****
Posts: 2153


la merde se produit


« Reply #53 on: February 25, 2006 »

a frog walked into a bank and approached the lady on the enquiry counter who's name, as he could see from her lapel badge, was Patty. "Good morning Patty " he said," I need to borrow 30,00 pounds for a good holiday". "Can I have your name please ?" asked Patty. "Yes it's Kermit Jagger. My dad's Mick Jagger and he knows the manager" " Fine" said Patty "but we'll need some collateral" the frog produced a pink plastic elephant. "Will this do ?" he asked. Patty explained that she would have to have a word with the manager. She said to the manager, who was a scouser, "there's a frog at the desk asking for 30,000 and all he has for collateral is this" and offered him the elephant. The manager examined it and said " It's a nick-nack Patty wack give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone"
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rock & roll will never die

rockrebel
Hardened Forum Fiend
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Posts: 2153


la merde se produit


« Reply #54 on: February 25, 2006 »

Sorry everyone. Couldn't resist it
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rock & roll will never die

millhouse
Hardened Forum Fiend
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Posts: 1342



« Reply #55 on: February 25, 2006 »

You missed the boom boom off the end of that joke Rockrebel
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Si vis pacem para bellum

Rock chick
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 5287


I wanna be a Debaser....


« Reply #56 on: February 25, 2006 »

*weeps*
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I'm a S-k-g....

Jez Pattle
New Blood
*
Posts: 15


« Reply #57 on: March 01, 2006 »

A business expert goes for lunch at a stylish restaurant. While eating he notices that all the waiting staff have a spoon visible in their top waistcoat pocket. Intrigued, the expert calls the waiter over and asks why they all have spoons. The waiter replies, "Well, we did an efficiency revue and found that the most commonly dropped item of cutlery was the spoon, averaging three times per table per evening. By carrying a spare it saves each waiter four minutes per shift in trips to and from the cutlery store. Multiply that by the number of waiters here and it is the equivalent to two and a half hours a week."
"That's fascinating, I shall have to do a similar study with my own business" replied the expert before ordering dessert.
When the dessert arrived the expert "accidentally" knocked a spoon on the floor and the waiter duly replaced it from his top pocket.
Thanking him the expert noticed a piece of string hanging from the waiter's fly and between mouthfulls of dessert asked if that also had anything to do with the efficiency drive.
"Oh yes sir, replied the waiter. "We find that together we waste three hours a week washing our hands after visiting the urinal, so we attach a piece of string to ourseves so we can remove our dicks from our trousers without touching them. That way we don't need to wash our hands afterwards."
"That's extraordinary," replied the expert, "But what about putting it back?"
"Well I can't speak for everyone," the waiter whispered conspiratorially, "But I use the spoon."
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Sammo
Hardened Forum Fiend
****
Posts: 1827


I fell from grace and landed on my knees


« Reply #58 on: March 03, 2006 »

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Sammo
Hardened Forum Fiend
****
Posts: 1827


I fell from grace and landed on my knees


« Reply #59 on: March 03, 2006 »

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Logged

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